The Firefighter - Urinal

Boredom during the usual micturition is finally a thing of the past. With the all-new Firefighter, tiny flames inside the bowl of the urinal stay lit until patrons extinguish them. Upon flushing, the bowl will relight itself for the next gentleman. As an added bonus, the ambient light from the urinal can act as a mood light for any dimly lit restrooms.

"Are you up to the challenge!?! Grab your hose and show that blazing adversary who's boss."

Felatofil

For treatment of erectile sensitivity and hardening.

Directions: Apply directly to the penis, beginning at the tip and working gradually down to the base. Increase vigor. Incorporate testicles if possible. Continue until satisfied.

Side Effects: Felatofil has been show to cause testicular and penile discharge. Other side effects include extreme drowsiness and disinterest in affection. In the event of an erection lasting longer than four hours, consider high-fiving your partner.

Do not mix Felatofil with excessive alcohol. This diminishes the drug's effects, and may result in scarring of the ego.

For further information, please visit out site, or ask a professional for advice.

The Styles of Our Times

More and more these days, I see trend-setters sporting what is destined to become THE fashion icon of the early 21st century:

The Bonnet.

What is it about the bonnet that attracts today's movers and shakers? Elegant simplicity? Sapped sexuality? Perhaps it's the way it makes them each appear as a small penis would, if it had a mouth, eyes, and an audience of devoted followers.

Spam Griefing Website

Whether you just failed a test, got fired, were convicted of shoplifting from a Swarovski store, got dumped, or are just a malicious asshole, this is the website for you. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, so endure that 5-day background check by getting your false retribution started right away.

Simply enter your victim's personal email address and the site will automatically submit it to a continuously updating list of promoters, companies, and spammers. Within a few days their inbox will be so cluttered they'll have to spend an entire day sifting through emails. They'll get a variety of emails from various places. Everything from Banana Republic, Capital One, fake watch sellers, and "growth" pill companies to the Avril Lavinge fan club and Nigerian Bankers who are in need of their help.

Just try and unsubscribe from 10,000 mailing lists.


Use with caution:
www.sendthemspam.com

The Unfortunate

Scientists have already begun tinkering with animal DNA, inserting pieces of human DNA with the hopes of creating "organ farms."

Basically, you splice heart DNA into a pig...the pig grows a human heart...pop it out, put it in your dad, and everybody's cool.

Now imagine a truck full of human organ pigs gets mixed up with a truck full of regular pigs. The wrong truck heads to the slaughterhouse and, badda bing, we've got a soylent green situation on our hands.

Great premise for a near-term-future-corporate-thriller. Weave in some criticism of the pharma industry, meat industry, and government...I smell academy.

Starring:

Roy Scheider as The CEO
William Ray Cyrus as The Farmer
Ethan Hawke as The Insider/Whistle Blower
John Goodman as The Senator
Van Damme as The Assassin

Jerry Orvillebacher's SPCU

Another idea around my favorite snack. Fights crime with real movie theater butter!

CFL Lava Lamp

Looks like a lava lamp. Lights up like a lava lamp.

But DOESN'T DO A FUCKING THING ONCE IT'S ON.

This is how this site will go down (ongoing)

Round 1: Steve posts something incredible.

Round 2: Pony hates, demands post be retracted. Offers unconstructive, obtuse criticism.

Round 3: Steve pouts; things get generally emo.

Round 4: Pony realizes he may lose the only thing in his life he values: his quasi-homosexual relationship with Steve.

The First Internet Museum

Image taken on January 13th, 2007.

Location: Carthage, Tennessee

Ground-breaking Ceremony Date: May of 1996

Projected Completion Date: August of 1999

Sponsors: Prodigy, AOL, Netscape Navigator, Hotbot.com, Microsoft's Windows '95

Current Status: Under Construction

Coffee-flavored Popping Corn

I couldn't be the first person to come up with this...

A character from all of our lives

Long haired, kinda greasy, works nights.

She told me it was,

"Mommy's new friend"

For the Man About Town

Introducing Roundabout's "Top Down Ointment."

Sold by the proprietor in pots and perfect for these on-the-go times!

Future Bullet Proof Virgin

glumbert - 12-year-old Vacuum Expert

Prove It, Asshole

I INVENTED the expression, "JK all the way!!!"

The McArmy Incursion

The struggle for power and the future of warfare is going to change. Corporations are extending their control past the economy as well as the world's governments. They are now global and depend on no single entity. They are constantly deploying forces everyday worldwide. 31,000 locations in over a 120 countries and nearly 500,000 employees is the might of just one these corporate powerhouses.


Plot: In the near future, giant corporations slowly and covertly merge together to begin their new strategy. Military industrial complexes acquire fast-food chains, car companies, and media outlets. They slowly start training their employees both physically and mentally. Then they take over the world.

Directed by: Tony Scott

Starring:
Christopher Walken - The CEO
Glenn Close - The CFO
Chris Cooper - The COO
Dale Dye - The Drill Sergent


"The day the slogan became a war cry."