The Firefighter - Urinal

Boredom during the usual micturition is finally a thing of the past. With the all-new Firefighter, tiny flames inside the bowl of the urinal stay lit until patrons extinguish them. Upon flushing, the bowl will relight itself for the next gentleman. As an added bonus, the ambient light from the urinal can act as a mood light for any dimly lit restrooms.

"Are you up to the challenge!?! Grab your hose and show that blazing adversary who's boss."

Felatofil

For treatment of erectile sensitivity and hardening.

Directions: Apply directly to the penis, beginning at the tip and working gradually down to the base. Increase vigor. Incorporate testicles if possible. Continue until satisfied.

Side Effects: Felatofil has been show to cause testicular and penile discharge. Other side effects include extreme drowsiness and disinterest in affection. In the event of an erection lasting longer than four hours, consider high-fiving your partner.

Do not mix Felatofil with excessive alcohol. This diminishes the drug's effects, and may result in scarring of the ego.

For further information, please visit out site, or ask a professional for advice.

The Styles of Our Times

More and more these days, I see trend-setters sporting what is destined to become THE fashion icon of the early 21st century:

The Bonnet.

What is it about the bonnet that attracts today's movers and shakers? Elegant simplicity? Sapped sexuality? Perhaps it's the way it makes them each appear as a small penis would, if it had a mouth, eyes, and an audience of devoted followers.

Spam Griefing Website

Whether you just failed a test, got fired, were convicted of shoplifting from a Swarovski store, got dumped, or are just a malicious asshole, this is the website for you. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, so endure that 5-day background check by getting your false retribution started right away.

Simply enter your victim's personal email address and the site will automatically submit it to a continuously updating list of promoters, companies, and spammers. Within a few days their inbox will be so cluttered they'll have to spend an entire day sifting through emails. They'll get a variety of emails from various places. Everything from Banana Republic, Capital One, fake watch sellers, and "growth" pill companies to the Avril Lavinge fan club and Nigerian Bankers who are in need of their help.

Just try and unsubscribe from 10,000 mailing lists.


Use with caution:
www.sendthemspam.com

The Unfortunate

Scientists have already begun tinkering with animal DNA, inserting pieces of human DNA with the hopes of creating "organ farms."

Basically, you splice heart DNA into a pig...the pig grows a human heart...pop it out, put it in your dad, and everybody's cool.

Now imagine a truck full of human organ pigs gets mixed up with a truck full of regular pigs. The wrong truck heads to the slaughterhouse and, badda bing, we've got a soylent green situation on our hands.

Great premise for a near-term-future-corporate-thriller. Weave in some criticism of the pharma industry, meat industry, and government...I smell academy.

Starring:

Roy Scheider as The CEO
William Ray Cyrus as The Farmer
Ethan Hawke as The Insider/Whistle Blower
John Goodman as The Senator
Van Damme as The Assassin

Jerry Orvillebacher's SPCU

Another idea around my favorite snack. Fights crime with real movie theater butter!

CFL Lava Lamp

Looks like a lava lamp. Lights up like a lava lamp.

But DOESN'T DO A FUCKING THING ONCE IT'S ON.

This is how this site will go down (ongoing)

Round 1: Steve posts something incredible.

Round 2: Pony hates, demands post be retracted. Offers unconstructive, obtuse criticism.

Round 3: Steve pouts; things get generally emo.

Round 4: Pony realizes he may lose the only thing in his life he values: his quasi-homosexual relationship with Steve.

The First Internet Museum

Image taken on January 13th, 2007.

Location: Carthage, Tennessee

Ground-breaking Ceremony Date: May of 1996

Projected Completion Date: August of 1999

Sponsors: Prodigy, AOL, Netscape Navigator, Hotbot.com, Microsoft's Windows '95

Current Status: Under Construction

Coffee-flavored Popping Corn

I couldn't be the first person to come up with this...

A character from all of our lives

Long haired, kinda greasy, works nights.

She told me it was,

"Mommy's new friend"

For the Man About Town

Introducing Roundabout's "Top Down Ointment."

Sold by the proprietor in pots and perfect for these on-the-go times!

Future Bullet Proof Virgin

glumbert - 12-year-old Vacuum Expert

Prove It, Asshole

I INVENTED the expression, "JK all the way!!!"

The McArmy Incursion

The struggle for power and the future of warfare is going to change. Corporations are extending their control past the economy as well as the world's governments. They are now global and depend on no single entity. They are constantly deploying forces everyday worldwide. 31,000 locations in over a 120 countries and nearly 500,000 employees is the might of just one these corporate powerhouses.


Plot: In the near future, giant corporations slowly and covertly merge together to begin their new strategy. Military industrial complexes acquire fast-food chains, car companies, and media outlets. They slowly start training their employees both physically and mentally. Then they take over the world.

Directed by: Tony Scott

Starring:
Christopher Walken - The CEO
Glenn Close - The CFO
Chris Cooper - The COO
Dale Dye - The Drill Sergent


"The day the slogan became a war cry."

Male Garter

A foot-stirrup which attaches elastic bands, at one end, to the bottom of the shirt via suspender/alligator clamps, while the other end wraps around the heel of your foot.

The garter clips create a slight tension, keeping the dress shirt squarely tucked for the day ahead.

Self-Typing Keyboards

Player piano technology meets the 21st century. These new keyboards use pneumatic mechanisms to depress the keys without your help. Using tracker tubes, the keyboard detects key holes from a roll of paper to determine what to type. Now you can watch in wonderment as your keyboard types out an email or posts an entry to your blog.

"Watch the keys dance before your eyes!"

Word of the Day

Origins: Middle American, mid-2000's, undetermined.

Meaning:

Can

Usage:

"Heard your subprime lender shot your parents. Are you sure you can'tnt still pay them?"

Self-Perpetuating Social Network

Start a social network that doesn't allow people, pets, the elderly, or even musicians. It makes its own. The site will create its own profiles, friend its own friends, and click its own banners. This will happen based on visitors linking, surfing, and talking about the site. Stalking and user generated content just got easier.

Logisitics:

• Databases including first names, last names, interests, favorite movies and music, and other information will generate all new profiles randomly.
• A new fake user profile will be created with every unique visitor.
• That fake user will friend every third fake user profile that its unique visitor looks at.
• Fake users will comment on their fake friends' walls and randomly change their profiles based on visits from real people.
• Linking to any fake profile will generate "Fame" which will randomly select new friends every time the link is followed.
• If any fake users see high rates of traffic between another fake user, they will become romantically linked as well as randomly unlinked.
• Emails, IM names, and blogs will be given to the top 15% of fake users.
• To control populations, one fourth of the profiles created every month will be deleted.
• 37% of the deleted profiles will create alter-egos which are duplicate profiles but different names.
  
• The fake users will eventually hack the site and take it over.
  

"Move over MySpace, Facebook and all you other less important social networking sites. This here is the hottest new kind of site to join the ranks. It's also the fastest growing. 500 million users in two years isn't impossible anymore. New users are joining every second."

URL examples:

www.theirspace.com
www.automatedbook.com
www.notyourspacebookfacetube.com

Autostereograms with Braille

See in 3D and now feel in it too.

"Once you've mastered the images with your eyes, go back and use your fingers and learn a whole new way to read. It's fun for all ages!"

Puzzle Wallpaper

Think wall paper only instead of easy to apply strips from a roll, you get a stack of puzzle shaped pieces to try and fit together. This way you can turn any drab wall into something sort of awesome. Plus you can have fun doing it.

"Tired of those bland and confusing rolls of regular wallpaper? Need something to do on a rainy day that's productive AND fun? Try our new Puzzle-rific Randomly Shaped Puzzle Piece Wallpaper."

"You can turn any drab wall into a work of art and spend an entire week doing it! Then when you're done, removal will give you an extra challenge... at no additional charge!"

Explosionsandboobs.com

Self explanatory.

www.explosionsandboobs.com